


break me like a promise

by writeasoph



Category: The 1975 (Band)
Genre: Band Fic, F/M, Falling In Love, Getting Back Together, Let me hug him, Love, Reunions, Slow Burn, i think i'm allowed to add this tag now, matty healy is a soft man
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 07:19:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17976866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writeasoph/pseuds/writeasoph
Summary: You knew that working at Dirty Hit probably wasn’t a good idea, but the pay and opportunity seemed to have too many benefits to pass up. It’s only when you’re following Jamie throughout the building in London and you’re faced with a door with a band name that’s tattooed on your brain that you finally get the guts to interject.“I don’t want to work with them.” You lie, as the memories of a much younger Matty Healy flood through your mind with his curly hair bouncing with his laughs in a dark street in the early AM, his hand intertwined in yours.tldr: You haven't seen Matty in 5 years since your split but now you've just taken a job at Dirty Hit and things are about to get awkward.





	1. Chapter 1

You knew that working at Dirty Hit probably wasn’t a good idea, but the pay and opportunity seemed to have too many benefits to pass up. It’s only when you’re following Jamie throughout the building in London and you’re faced with a door with a band name that’s tattooed on your brain that you finally get the guts to interject.

“I don’t want to work with them.” You lie, as the memories of a much younger Matty Healy flood through your mind with his curly hair bouncing with his laughs in a dark street in the early AM, his hand intertwined in yours.

You get a funny look off of Jamie before a quick, “Is there anything I should know?”, is uttered that you’d been waiting for all day.

“Nothing unprofessional.” You assure him and Jamie only hesitates a moment before taking you around a different office instead, with the awkward feeling of him not being at all convinced.

“I know Matty from before.” You find yourself uttering. “I don’t think he’d be too happy to see me. I don’t want to disrupt him or the band, so it’s probably better that I work with different artists.

Jamie’s aura seems to soften at this, nodding to himself. “I can try my best but I won’t promise that you two won’t end up working together eventually.”

You let out a sigh of relief and you nod thankfully in return. 

Your new job is as Jamie’s assistant and you switch between several different acts over a few months, trying desperately not to peak into The 1975’s office despite them rarely even being there. Most of the time they’re in Yorkshire recording but it’s not long before you’re sent there to help out No Rome. You can only hope that No Rome isn’t as close to Matty as their social media implies.

Rome is super chill which you’re really thankful for. You spend most days arranging a few interviews and photoshoots for him in preparation for his new EP. 

Each day Rome asks if you want to have lunch with everyone but you always decline in fear of seeing Matty again. You know you’re probably overthinking it and maybe he doesn’t even remember who you are in his new exciting life but you can’t help but think he really meant the last thing he said to you.

_“We’ll never see each other again. I mean it.”_

You knew it was going to happen eventually but the moment isn’t anything like how you imagined. Rome had taken a while to come back from lunch and you wanted to ask him for any advice he wanted to give for the design of his EP when you found him and Matty chatting whilst staring at a screen faced away from you. You’d opened the door and walked in without a second thought having become comfortable in the studio but as the boys had heard you walked in you made eye contact with Matty immediately.

Your breath left your chest simultaneously as it left his, the room falling silent. Rome seemed to alternate looking between you two as you failed to free yourself from Matty’s gaze. Unable to avoid the countless interviews popping up in your YouTube recommended he looks exactly how you’d expect but you’re sure that for him you look quite different after 5 years apart.

“Y/N.” He says, his voice sounding unusually fragile as if he couldn’t really believe it was you. 

“Hi Matty.” You reply quietly, staring at the floor in an attempt to ease some of the tension. You can feel his eyes on you, inspecting you like you’re the only thing in the room.

When he clearly struggles to think of the right thing to say, stuttering in the way that makes your tummy flip faintly you decide to defuse the room by leaving. 

“Uh, Rome I need to send your EP art email by the end of today. Drop by when you can, please.” You say, trying to forget about Matty before walking away and restricting yourself to power walking back to Rome’s studio. When you get there you practically collapse on the sofa with you face covering your hands wishing you could go home and bury yourself in your bed covers.

Rome comes back to his studio about half an hour later, with a knowing look on his face.

“What happened between you and Matty then?” He asks, his eyes pouring over the screen of possible designs.

“He didn’t tell you?” You reply, slightly surprised that he stayed with Matty for so long without even explaining anything, your eyes staring downwards at your hands which were clumsily fidgeting with one another.

“He kind of just sat there in silence for a minute before he asked me how long you’d been working here without him realising. Kind of makes sense why you hadn’t been coming to lunch now.” He chuckles, bringing up an email and starting to write in his notes.

“I just didn’t want to disturb him. He never liked to be interrupted when he was right in the middle of an album.” 

“With a reaction like that, I’d say you’re more inspiration than a distraction.” 

That statement gets you thinking, the possibility that one of The 1975’s songs could be about you. It’s always been in the back of your mind but you’ve always thought that it would be too arrogant to assume you’d meant that much. Your thoughts take over for awhile and you barely notice that Rome’s written the whole email for you and sent it from your account. Eventually, you come back to your senses when he pats you on the shoulder lightly and he nods in goodbye as he leaves. It’s the end of the day but you stay behind a little longer just to clean up your desk as an excuse to avoid bumping into Matty again as you leave.

However, it seems just like that time 5 years ago when you used to think so much alike as when you walk into the reception area to sign out he’s there doing the exact same thing. This time you hold back a bit, hiding in the doorway as you watch him write his name in the time slot sheet and walk out through the doors. 

Pepping yourself up a bit, you walk up to the front desk and sign yourself out whilst avoiding staring at his messy handwriting just above yours. You think you’re in the clear until you step outside only to be faced with him lighting up a cigarette under the awning to avoid the pouring rain. You try and fish your umbrella out of you bag and escape but he seems to hear your panic and turns to face you again. 

“Y/N. I, uh, guess we should talk.” He tries. “I haven’t seen you in years and then you just show up and…” His stance becoming deflated. “Rome says you started here a month ago.” He adds on and you can tell you’ve upset him, even if he’s trying to hide it. 

Being with him now is just a huge reminder as to what you’d felt before. The Matty you’d known was high a lot, on what you though you tended to ignore. You’d fallen in love when you were 22, having known him since you were 19. He’d made you feel on top of the world with his beautiful music and the way his fingers had felt running through your hair.

Everything fell apart extremely slowly and then accelerated just before he had started to tour for the first time. The drugs were changing how he was with you and you just couldn’t see him being faithful when he left without you. You’d argued and fought until you’d given him the only ultimatum you could see: get clean or lose you. 

“I just didn’t want to make it seem like I got the job here to see you or something and after what you said last time I - it didn’t exactly seem like a reunion was what you wanted right now.”

“Y/N, what I said then, I didn’t mean it I was just - pissed, okay? You - You meant a lot to me and you still do. Always will.”

Your chest melts a bit at that, you always knew he knew exactly how to soften you up a bit. You’d read somewhere that he’d said he found it hard to sound genuine in his more meaningful tracks but with you he never struggled one bit.

“I know Matty.” You say softly, looking up at him. “I just don’t know how good of an idea it is for us to be near each other you know? We were both…hurt in the end.”

After you’d fizzled out and you’d seen Matty kissing girls on stage at most gigs, you’d decided to try and move on with your life despite the pain of hearing his voice every time one of his songs came up on the radio. You’d just started talking about moving in with your new boyfriend when a familiar face had come up on your phone and you’d had the last contact with him since today.

He’d mentioned meeting up and getting back together after cleaning up his act up and the successful release of his album with another on the way. You’d told him you’d been seeing somebody else and somehow he just hadn’t been expecting it.

“I know but we’re gonna end up working together now anyway. Can we at least start from square one? Be mates again?”

You pretend to think about it for a minute, the answer on the tip of your tongue as you watch his forgotten cigarette slowly burn away. You’ve missed him more than you care to admit, but being your lip you know you can’t tell him that.

“We’ll see.”

The words bring a sad but gentle smile to his lips and he nods in acceptance. He finally takes a puff from his burning tobacco with the smoke blowing behind him in the wind and you can almost see the 19 year old you first met at the common in Manchester.

“Stuck on boring old cigarettes again, Healy?” You say, finally getting your umbrella out of your bag. He always used to call cigarettes boring and ‘just fashion’ as he’d hunt for the harder stuff.

“Yeah.” He answers, a proper smile on his face as he senses your old banter resurfacing as you try it out. “It’s an okay compromise, better than shitty vaping anyway.”

That makes you laugh and you find yourself both giggling under the canopy in the cold.

“It’s nice to see you well, Matty.” You say, putting your umbrella up. Your eyes are sincere and you can tell that your words mean a lot to him as he grins at you.

“It’s nice to see you too, Y/N.”


	2. Chapter 2

When Jamie tells you that you’re coming with him to join the boys on tour, your first response is to (politely) refuse.

“I know you had your thing with Matty, but I really need you to do this. If you do well enough then I won’t need to accompany them on their next tour because I’ll be able to promote you and you can do my job for me. That means better pay and more travelling and I know you like both of those things.” He explains, and you’re left to sigh in defeat. You only just made peace with Matty yesterday and now you’re going to be cooped up on a tour bus with him for a few months.

So much for “We’ll see.” Life wasn’t really giving you an option.

You finally meet up with Ross, George and Hann the next day. You know them all faintly through Matty but you catch up with them pretty quick. At first they act quite distant and you wonder whether or not they’d accept you after you and Matty’s split but talking about the old days actually seems to ease the atmosphere slightly. Hann asks if you’ll help him bleach his hair again remembering how you’d experimented with your own hair back in your early twenties. George challenges you to MarioKart and Ross joins him. Glad to have your old friends back, you help with organising a few things that Jamie set you, but they’re mostly simple which you guess is probably just to help you settle in with them. Despite your conversation yesterday, Matty seems too engrossed writing a certain song whilst you chat with them to take part but you can’t tell if he’s avoiding you or actually working.

The next thing lined up for you is tour prep: checking all the rooms you’ve booked are still available, that the tour bus is right, that your insurance and flights are all solid. In between making calls and writing emails, you’re listening to your playlist on Spotify through your headphones. You’re so engrossed in your work that seeing Hann walk in through your peripherals isn’t interesting enough to act upon until he picks up your phone to see what you’re listening to.

“Anobrain? That’s old.” He says, peering at your screen now. He must be bored if he’s come to talk to you. “Want to hear something new? Matty’s recording.”

This peaks your interest. Nodding, you ditch the headphones and save your drafts before running off with Hann towards the recording studio.

“If he’s recording why aren’t you working with him?” You ask, surprised that he’s wandering about fetching you instead of being in there with him.

“He said this one was a bit more personal, so it’s actually just him and a guitar at the moment.”

Wondering to yourself what this song could be about, you slip into the quiet studio and stand with the rest of the boys as Matty’s voice comes across the speakers.

His voice is gentle, the way you’ve only really heard in Nana or She Lays Down. He sounds honest and beautiful, but almost as if he’s in pain. It really strikes something within you.

“I think he should call it Be My Mistake, but he says he hasn’t decided yet.” George whispers to you and you fall in love with it instantly much like every other song you’ve heard by them. It’s the kind of song you can imagine playing to yourself at 3AM whilst you cry over someone.

As he finishes off, the boys start clapping and cheering a bit whilst wiping their fake tears away. Nodding graciously he bows to the room whilst asking, “What do you think?”, and as the boys give nothing but praises you float towards the back of the room. He doesn’t seem to have noticed you there yet and you suddenly get the feeling that you saw something you weren’t supposed to.

Eventually though, he spots you and not knowing what else to do you give him a hug. He definitely doesn’t expect it as he freezes for a second before wrapping his arms around your waist but you can tell he’s still holding back as he keeps away from your neck. Letting go, you look up at him and smile.

“That was lovely.” You say, hoping it’s the right thing to say.

“Thanks.” He sighs, looking partially grateful. “I didn’t expect you to be listening.”

“Hann brought me in.”

Hearing his name and looking over, Hann just shrugs before going back to talking to the others. Not sure what else to say, you excuse yourself before walking back to your desk alone.

The song seems to resonate with you, the melody not leaving your mind as you decide to leave your headphones lying idle in the hope you won’t forget the new song. Rome comes to fetch for lunch about half an hour later and you hop downstairs to join the others like you’d started doing this week.

Grabbing your sandwich that the receptionist ordered for you this morning, you sit down next to Matty and Rome who are already seated. They seem to be talking about something you don’t really understand yet, so you eat silently whilst listening or at least you thought you were until Matty breaks off mid sentence.

“Are you humming the new song?” He asks, a worried look on his face.

“Uhm, I don’t know, maybe? I can’t get it out of my head.” You say, taking another bite of your sandwich. “It’s too good.”

Your response seems to only trouble him more and he starts tapping on the table anxiously.

“I, uh, got an idea. I’ll be back in a bit.” He says, abandoning his sandwich and rushing off upstairs.

“Matty, wait.” You wanted to know why your response had troubled him so much, even if it was just to make sure you didn’t do it again but he had left without looking back so you were left alone with Rome.

“I wasn’t kidding when I said you’d be inspiration.”

Turning back to Rome, you shake your head. There was no way the song had been about you and the words had long left your head so you couldn’t really remember the exact lines of it. It had been about cheating and Matty had never done that to you so there was no way it could have been about you. You’re convinced.

Retiring back to the table, you finish your sandwich before returning back to work, pushing the image of a worried Matty to the back of your mind.

It’s a Friday so at the end of the day you all trudge back to the flat Matty and George are sharing for some late night fun. You play Quiplash since someone seems to own Jackbox and it becomes a very competitive but fun atmosphere. Drinks are handed round and you frown when Matty refuses, explaining to you he doesn’t like to drink that often anymore. It’s unexpected, you never thought you’d know a Matty Healy that would deny a good glass of red wine.

Around midnight, the get together seems to die down a bit. George and Ross are asleep on the sofa as Hann scrolls through the TV quietly and Matty is nowhere to be found having disappeared earlier on. Realising the time, you look for your phone that you haven’t seen for a couple hours and after concluding it’s not in the living room with Hann you start to hunt around the rest of the apartment.

Peering through doorways, you stumble upon one of the music rooms. Feeling a little tipsy, you don’t even bother to turn the light on as you decide to try out one of the keyboards after triple checking that the volume wasn’t going to wake up anyone in the other room. You start by hitting a few random notes but you can’t resist trying out a simple melody that you faintly remember Matty teaching you from years ago: the vocals to robbers. It had always been your favourite song whenever you’d seen the boys practice to the point where Matty had cuddled up behind you and guided your fingers to the right notes.

She had a face straight out a magazine

God only knows but you’ll never leave her

In reality, you were guessing which notes to press and you’d only gotten this far as your hand had somehow remembered where to go in the octave. You were about to leave and continue searching when you turned around to see Matty leaning against the doorway. Jumping out of your skin you swore under your breath and cleared your throat before standing up straight.

“What do you think you’re doing, Healy? Gonna give me a heart attack.” You say, staring at him. The light from the corridor is lighting him up as a partial silhouette making him look sort of ethereal (or maybe that was the wine talking).

“You never learned the chords, I thought I could help.” He shrugs and you have to take a deep breath to stop yourself doing something stupid.

“I was just testing it out.” You say, turning away from him to face the keys. “I wanted to see if I could remember it.” Pressing the keys again, you try and continue and with confidence coming from the alcohol in your stomach you nearly manage the first verse perfectly.

“Here.” He gestures as he moves to stand next to you and he goes through the four chords that loop to make the song. “If you don’t remember what key to press, just take a guess from one of the keys I’m pressing.” He explains and he plays the first few lines of the song again. He’s stood so close to you that your shoulders touch and you focus on watching Matty’s hands so you don’t think about the tingling in your arm.

Slowly, you get through it together. The bridge is the hardest part since it no longer follows the pattern but you know the song well enough to guess the notes and Matty is patient with you. If you’d been sober, you might have felt the need to impress him but the alcohol had loosened you up after a stressful week and you were concentrating more on enjoying yourself.

You were stood in a dark room playing the piano with your ex-boyfriend past midnight whilst your friends had all snored themselves to sleep next door. It was peaceful.

When the song came to an end, you were left in the silence with him. You wanted to touch him, feel him - get used to his presence again but you also knew that that probably wasn’t a good idea. Being exes was complicated enough, being together would be a whole other level.

“That was nice.” You say, breaking the silence. You wonder what he’d been thinking.

“Yeah. It was.”

He seems touch starved, his hands still brushing against yours, lingering. You’re too close to him, nearly breathing him in.

The moment is broken as Hann knocks on the door, causing you to jump away from Matty in surprise. “Found your phone, Y/N.” He seems to tired to care about your reaction and with a quiet thank you, you take it from his hands.

He leaves the room and you’re left with Matty again, your phone screen illuminating the room with fake white light.

“It’s late. I should probably go home.” You say, shoving your phone into your back pocket before fidgeting with the bottom of your top that had become untucked from your jeans a few hours ago.

“You can crash here if you’d like. I’m sure the others will.” He offers, and you consider it for a second. You know you’ll wind up being friends with Matty again in the long run, but sleeping at his flat feels like moving too quickly.

“Thanks, but I think I’ll go home tonight. I have some things to pick up from my flat for tomorrow anyway.”

“Of course, of course, sure.” He says, and you can tell he’s disappointed. If your flat had been any further than around the corner you would have stayed and you nearly change your mind before he walks out of the bathroom towards the front door, presumedly to let you out. Composing yourself, you follow him and pick up your bag from the hall on the way.

“See you next week, Matty.”

“See you.”

As the door opens you can sense him deciding whether or not to hug you and you decide to put him out of his misery. You’d hugged him earlier so doing it now didn’t make a difference and if anything you needed to send out a clear signal of how far it was okay to go to make things fair. You give him a light squeeze with your hands around his neck before walking down the stairs and outside into the bitter cold air, with images of two pairs of hands on a keyboard and whispers of a soft guitar floating on your mind.


	3. Chapter 3

Your next week is even more hectic than the last. With the third album finally coming out, preparing for tour, moving back into your flat in London and being responsible for a Matty getting to three different interviews spread across London nearly every day - you’re exhausted before it even begins.

You’re lucky in the fact that Matty is very cooperative, with the idea of being late one that neither of you likes. This however, results in you getting to a lot of the meetings early which means you end up waiting for interviewees whilst sipping cups of tea in silence as you wait for the half an hour leeway time you allowed for to pass.

Which is awkward.

The main problem between you now seems to be how quickly to slide into your old friendship again. It’s unclear where the line stands, whether or not you could bring up the time he nearly set the bed on fire or if you really are starting from a fresh slate. The last thing you want to do is make him feel uncomfortable, but you seem to be doing that anyway.

“We have to sort this out somehow.” You start, staring into the milk swirling around your mug.

“Sort out what?” He asks, seeming relieved at the broken silence.

“This…” You gesture at the space between you, “…awkwardness we have. I like to think that I knew you as well as the rest of the band once but now, we’ve changed. I want us to be friends again but I just don’t really know where to start.”

He drinks some more of his tea for a second, contemplating his reply in his head. “I feel the same way. I don’t want to act as if nothing happened, because stuff did happen, but at the same time we’re finally together again - in a platonic way - so I don’t want to waste even more time.”

“So what are we going to do?” You ask and it quickly becomes obvious that he doesn’t know either.

“Uh…hope the awkwardness eventually withers away?”

You give him a Look.

“Okay. How about…we talk?”

“We’re literally talking right now.”

“I mean - we haven’t exactly caught up.”

“Well, your side is pretty obvious. You’ve won a BRIT award, had two number one albums and made some of the best music out there right now.”

“Really out of those, only the last one really matters to me.” He laughs, “But what I mean is the more personal side of it really.”

“Oh. Where do I start?”

“Wherever you want.” He says right as who you guess is probably interviewing him walks in.

“Matt Healy?” The woman asks, and he stands up to walk towards her. Feeling cheeky, you stand up with him and since you guess he isn’t going to, you correct her.

“It’s Matty actually.” You smile, and the side glance of a grin he gives you takes you back to the Matty you used to know who still used to ring doorbells and run away at 21. The expression creates a warmth in your chest and you decide it’s the realisation that this is still the boy you knew back then.

“Oh, I’m so sorry-” She starts, but Matty’s waving it off immediately.

“It’s fine, it happens all the time.” He says before checking his phone for the time. “When’s RadioX?” He says to you.

“One o’clock, so I need you back at eleven latest.” You say from the top of your head.

He nods. “Don’t miss me too much.”

“I think I’ll survive Healy.” You say, shaking your head. He laughs it off and walks away with the interviewee into a studio.

You hang around the waiting room for about half an hour before Matty comes rushing out. You’d been working on your laptop that you’d luckily remembered to bring with you when Matty walks out quite quickly with his hands clasped together, something you recognise instantly as a sign of worry for him. You slam the laptop shut before putting it in your bag without prompting, zipping it shut and hurrying after him, his jogging legs only waiting for you for a moment. You thank something that the interview was on the ground floor, as you’re not sure he would be able to deal with a lift. Walking up to the reception desk, you sign both you and Matty out of the building as Matty rushes outside fumbling with a cigarette box.

With nothing better to do, the woman behind the desk asks you if everything was alright with your visit and you ask her to email whoever just emailed Matty Healy to hold the interview until further review from his management. You can only guess that something must have happened in the interview to set him off like this. She writes your request down immediately and on asking for a reason why, you tell her you’re not really sure yet.

With Matty’s reaction still heavy on your mind, you leave the desk to see him. Walking outside, you see him leaning against your car smoking a cigarette as if he’s using it to breathe.

Eventually, you make it to the car and he averts your gaze. Unsure of what to do, you unlock your car as he stamps out his current cigarette for a new one.

“I’m sorry for whatever happened in there Healy but you’re not smoking in my car any day of the week. Get in when you’re ready.” You tell him, before sitting in the car.

Trust your first interview for Matty to go horribly wrong. You’re not really sure what to do with yourself. Chucking your laptop bag onto the backseat, you put both arms on the steering wheel and lie your head down on top of them.

How were you supposed to survive a tour when you couldn’t even get one interview right?

Trying to keep calm, you bring up your phone and ring Jamie. You explain to him briefly what happened and whether or not it was the right choice to hold the interview back, knowing that it probably pissed the woman off.

“Y/N, I honestly think that’s the best thing you could have done. Well done for telling me, she might have tried to bypass you by ringing me instead. Tell Matty I hope he feels better.”

Feeling a little better, you drum your fingers on the steering wheel and look at Matty’s back through the window. You feel a strong urge to hug him, but you know it’s probably not right with your current relationship. Starting to think about it only stresses you out a bit more.

Before your anxiety builds up properly however, Matty opens the door and slides into his seat before shutting the door behind him. There’s a sensitive moment where neither of you can decide who’s going to talk first before Matty begins to speak.

“I’m sorry for running off, I needed some air.”

“That’s fine. Running after you if kind of my job now anyway.” You say, sending a small smile his way hoping to relax the atmosphere between you but the frown on his face doesn’t seem to budge.

“Whenever I go to interviews, I go to talk about the music, about us, about the industry. Just because I’m the only one that goes to the press and that, doesn’t mean it should all be about me and with her - it was. She was asking about the drugs and stuff but not like everyone else does, she wanted to know what and when, with who and she was talking as if that’s all the music was about. I understand that a lot of people see us as this ‘druggie rock band’ but those people are wrong. There’s so much more to it than that, and when I started complaining she just moved to sex and wanted to know about my partners and everything and she asked nothing about the band! She didn’t even let me speak! Then she moved on to you and…I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

You nod silently, knowing how important it is for him to know you’re actually listening. You don’t know whether he would have told you about this without your conversation prior, feeling grateful that he feels like he can explain himself to you in such detail.

“What do you mean, she moved on to me?” You ask sheepishly, causing him to sigh and rub his eye in an almost defeat.

“She was convinced we were together from that tiny interaction we had before we went in. You were just doing your job for God’s sake. The thing is, right, that it’s a typed up interview meaning my words can be interpreted so differently that what I meant when I was in there. I wasn’t interviewed, I was sodding interrogated.”

“I asked reception to call and hold it back.”

He pauses. “What do you mean?”

“That interview is going nowhere unless I say so. That’s why I took awhile catching up with you. If they release it anyway they’ll have to deal with having no interview from any Dirty Hit artist again and I’m guessing a very angry phone call from Jamie.”

He’s stunned for a moment before for the first time since he came out, he gives you a smile. It’s soft and grateful and it’s an image you automatically commit to memory whilst smiling back at him.

“You’re a genius, Y/N. I didn’t even think of that, I’ve never had such a shit interview before. I didn’t even know you could do that.”

You shrug. “It’s my job.” You say, turning the ignition and leaving the car park. “Think you can do the next one or want me to cancel?”

“Nah, I can do it.” He says, and you set your phone up to take you to the radio station across the city as you wait to join the main road. Still grinning, he snatches his phone off you and points at the road and you scoff at his sudden care for road safety.

He inputs the route for you before putting your phone in it’s stand on the windscreen. You sigh a quiet breath of relief that he didn’t decide to snoop around your phone. You’re not even sure there would be anything to be embarrassed about on there, but it was nice to know that he respected your privacy.

Or at least you thought he did before he opened the camera and burst shot a bunch of selfies.

As your head flops against your headrest in defeat, you stare dead ahead at the road saying, “I can’t believe you right now.” As hard as you try, you’re unable to get the smile off your face.

“Yes you can.” He says and you shake your head as your phone shouts out which lane to take. “You know so many people would pay a shit ton of money for me to do this on their phone. I’m just doing you a favour.”

“That favour being completely taking up all of my phone storage with your stupid face?”

“Stupid face? Really? That’s all you could come up with?” He says, stopping for a moment to gaze at you. Your intention was to keep your eyes on the road rather than him, but you accidentally make eye contact as you look in his direction. You make a face at him and he chuckles before sitting back in his seat.

“Shut up, Healy.” You mutter, laughing with him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this is kind of a filler chapter  
> i'm super busy revising for my exams  
> i just wanted to show that the reader actually has a friendship with matty now  
> don't worry though the awkwardness will be back soon
> 
> also haven't proofread so sorry

Before you know it, tour is approaching and after packing more bags than you can count you are physically ready to leave.

Mentally? Not so much.

When you see the tour bus you can’t believe how enormous it is. It’s an extended double decker which has a 8 beds, a living area and a kitchen. George helps you carry all your belongings into the bedroom that you’d be sharing with 7 other people in return for you bunking underneath him so there was less of a chance of him getting bottom bunk. 

Eventually, with everyone and everything on board you’re ready to leave. As promised, you wind up underneath George’s bed which you’re grateful for when you find out that he snores. However, you also end up with your bed opposite Matty’s and with that you decide to try and be the last to go to sleep each night.

Working with Jamie is stressful before the first gig, as you have to call the venue to see if they’re prepared and go and actually check the venue, request the rider, check the lights, check the sound etc. It’s a whole day of going through a checklist so by the time you’re done, there’s a queue outside about a mile long and you’re tired, parched and hungry. The show hasn’t even started yet.

Sat on a sofa backstage, you hold your clipboard up to your face and groan in frustration as you try and sink into the cushions. 

“Stop moaning Y/N.” George laughs. “You don’t even have to perform for an hour in like…an hour.” He says, checking the clock on the wall.

“You say that as if you don’t enjoy it.”

“And you say _that_ as if you don’t enjoy your job.”

“What, dealing with you lot? Can’t stand it.” You try, but you can’t say it seriously as Hann gives you a suggestive look.

“Yeah, yeah sure.” Matty says, smiling at the conversation as he wrote in his notebook.

“Shut up Healy, you’re the worst out of all of them.” You quip back, crossing your arms with your clipboard whilst putting more effort into being stubborn.

“Oh, am I?” He says, and his eyes seem to dart towards your phone lying vulnerably on the sofa cushion next to you. However, you only seem to catch his line of sight as he dives towards it and his fingers seems to wrap around it just as your hand grabs his.

Physical touch wasn’t really normal for either of you anymore and the act of touching him seems to make your brain turn to stone for a moment and he uses that to wrangle his hand away from yours as he tosses your phone over to Hann.

Realising the situation you’re in, you sigh deeply. You’re already so exhausted but now you have to deal with adults behaving like school children. You ignore the voice in your head that says this whole thing would be boring if they didn’t.

You try and corner Hann as he runs towards the door that you remember is a pull but as he hits the door he throws your phone to George who wasn’t even really paying attention. It lands on his jumper which he’s folded and placed on the desk next to his laptop and looking up he quickly gauges the situation and snatches it up.

“George, come on we’re bunk buddies you don’t have to do this.” You try and persuade him but he gives you a blank smile as he holds it up for Ross to pass it back to Matty who crosses his arms in a way that you’re sure is mocking your position from earlier.

"Never mind, you all suck equally." You sulk.

“Let's have a look here shall we? A four digit passcode, bet I can guess that dead easy.”

You’re sure that you don’t have anything awful on your phone to hide from him, but you still have to fight the instinct in you to freeze and beg for your phone back. You’ve always been defensive about your privacy and you are even now when you know that Matty would never do anything too bad.

“You get three guesses before you get locked out for five minutes.” You challenge him, choosing this method which definitely requires less effort than chasing him around the room.

“Okay, first thing’s first. 1-9-7-5.” He tries, and he’s got a cocky smile on his face that used to make you want to kiss him. You brush the thought to the back of your head.

“Damn, really? Are you even a fan?” He berates as he gets rejected. “Fine, I still remember your birthday. Well, I think anyway.”

He pretends to throw the phone away as it rejects him again. “Fuck’s sake.” He mutters and he starts to pace the room as considers what to use for his last chance.

“Guess it’s not that easy, huh? Better stick to writing music than breaking codes, Matty.” You smile at him, your hand on your hip in confidence.

Huffing, he turns his back to you as he tries one more thing. To your astonishment, you hear the sound of your phone unlocking. 

You don’t believe it. 

“You still remember my mother’s birthday?” You ask, grabbing your phone off of him as he hands it to you.

“ _Well_ ,” he shrugs, “it’s not exactly hard to remember is it? A very abnormal, easy to remember date…”

It’s not; you both know it’s not. Sometimes even you forget it.

You really don’t know what to say. Sensing your hesitance, Matty speaks up so that the others hear him. “Hey, I think it’s near enough to get dressed and that guys. I’m gonna go warm up my voice.”

He gives you a warm smile as he walks towards his private dressing room and the boys start to pack away their things they used to pass the time as they made their way to theirs. You sit on the sofa and try to clear your head of how Matty still remembers little facts about your family. You stare at the list in your hand and although you know everything’s ticked off the words mean nothing to you as your chest starts to float slightly.

He didn’t even try anything once he got in, he had just handed it straight back to you. He had known that he would have won as soon as guessed correctly, the prize of messing up your social life becoming completely irrelevant.

He would rather show that he cared about you than mess with you.

The realisation sinks through you slowly as the others started to filter back into the shared part of the dressing room, the incident seeming to have blown completely over their heads.

Eventually, it wound up with you and the rest of the boys waiting for Matty, their suits on and nervous laughter filling the room. You wish them all good luck as Matty walks in and you hear their self titled track and the crowds cheering emanate through the walls towards you. Jamie, having returned from dealing with some tour bus problems, pats them all on the back as they start to leave and you catch Matty’s eye before he can walk out. Not sure what else to do, you give him a hug assuring him silently that he’ll do great.

As if in reply, he winks at you as if to say _I’m always great_. You roll your eyes at him and he walks out with a grin on his face that you’ve been getting way too used to the past few days.


	5. Chapter 5

After an alcohol-themed celebration of having a few days off after working several in a row, you find yourself walking back to the tour bus with a sense of belonging running through your veins. These people are your friends now, rather than your colleagues (or ex’s band).

Climbing inside, someone brings up the idea of spin the bottle for a bit of fun since your truck stop has no internet and no one feels like going to bed. Had it been any other group you would have given them a look for being childish but with them it somehow fits, especially after a couple of drinks.

With you, Jamie and the band playing you all try and fit in the living area. Running for the sofa, you make it onto the comfiest seat in the room but after some arguing between George and Matty you end up being squished between them.

George spins the bottle first, a small Coke bottle from lunch. It lands on Jamie and George asks, “How much do you regret agreeing to be our manager?”.

“Oh, TONS. I can’t stand you lot really, bunch of children.” He says sarcastically. “Nahhh, I love you guys. I can’t believe I nearly said no.” He giggles.

“You nearly said no?!” Matty squeals and the whole room’s laughing at Jamie trying to take back his confession.

“I was joking, I was joking! Look anyways, it’s my turn.” He says, grabbing the bottle to spin it and after a suspenseful couple of seconds (and cheating from Hann blowing on it) the bottleneck lands on Matty.

“Ha! Okay, here we go. Uh, shit. What do I ask? Is it true that you’ve been chatting up blokes on Grindr?” Jamie asks and that sends George and Ross into laughter that has them nearly falling off their chairs.

“NO! Look okay, I give my phone to Ross for five minutes, five minutes okay, and he’s downloaded Grindr, set me up a profile and everything! It has nothing to do with me!” Matty says, defending himself from the exaggerated judging looks you and Hann are giving him, his head darting between you. 

“Yeah right mate, I saw you scrolling through it just yesterday!” Ross accuses, pointing at him.

“I was just curious - not like that!”

“You’re just digging yourself into a hole Matty!” George cries and at that Matty lunges for him, clearly forgetting that you’re sat right between them and your glass of wine goes all over you.

“Oh for fuck’s sake Matty.” Jamie says with a hint of amusement rather than annoyance, rushing back to the kitchen to go and see if there’s anything to mop you up with. You stand up on instinct to make sure it doesn’t go onto the sofa with Matty rolling off your lap onto the floor. Feeling guilty, you crouch down to see if he’s okay since he landed face up and probably hit his head on the floor but he’s still giggling from the shock of it all. 

When he’s finished laughing though he looks up at you sees your previously white shirt drenched in crimson and he jumps up unexpectedly, almost knocking you back down onto the sofa. You’re only caught by him catching hold of your arms.

The others being normal friends are taking pictures of you drenched in wine and shaking your head at them, Matty drags you away to the bathroom. You’re about to question what he’s doing before he grabs a random towel, wets it and pulling your shirt taut starts to dab away at the stains.

“You have to work quick with wine, I’ve ruined enough shirts to know that.” He mumbles, kicking the door shut to block out the laughter. “I’m sorry I split it on you, I wasn’t thinkin’. Wine got to m’head.” He says, moving back to the sink to wet a new part of the towel. 

“It’s fine, Matty.” You say softly, putting your hand over his to help him aim his scrubbing a bit better when he gets back to you. You’re pretty sure this shirt is done for but he seems so eager to help you don’t have the heart to stop him.

“Nah, nah it’s not. You looked really nice in it too.”

You don’t really know what to say to that. He’s so close you can smell him, a light hint of musk after the effort of performing. He goes to wet the towel again, the stain of your shirt not budging an inch, but he trips as turns towards you again but you catch him as he falls into you. Almost as if he meant to do it, he wraps his arms around your neck and holds you. Your arms reciprocate without asking. You’ve missed touching him.

“I missed you so much when you were gone, Y/N.”

“I missed you too, Matty.”

“No you didn’t. You moved on.” 

Although he doesn’t say it, you can hear the silent _I didn’t_ that he means.

“I moved on because I had to come to terms that I couldn’t have you.” You say, trying to swallow the lump in your throat. You’ve felt this conversation coming for a while, the feeling that maybe that spark between you was still there. It was something electric you didn’t have with anyone else and you were finding the urges to be nearer to him were becoming harder and harder to extinguish. 

“You can have me now. If you want.” He says and by God, if that isn’t tempting. The thought lingers for far too long in your brain, the memory of his lips on yours resurfacing from years ago feeling just like yesterday. Your hesitation is so long that the hug ends and his forehead comes to rest on yours and you can smell the wine on his breath, his mouth barely inches away.

Slowly, you gauge your morals catching up. He’s drunk for a start and you work together. You ignore the blaming thought of knowing this might happen when you applied for the job several months ago. 

“We can’t Matty, you know we can’t.” You mutter, stepping back from him. You cross your arms to stop yourself reaching out to him again, pretending that your hesitation wasn’t so long that he knew you at least considered it. “We’re on tour and if something went up the wall it would be twice as hard to deal with and I’m just not sure I can go through the heartbreak a second time.”

You feel cold without him, the wetness of your shirt finally hitting you. You probably should have taken it off.

“I’m sorry Healy, but I have a job to do when I’m here.” You add and he nods in acceptance.

“S’okay. I shouldn’t have sprung it on you. My brain’s lost its filter.” He says, leaning on the sink because at this point his balance is definitely gone. You wonder if he’ll remember this conversation in the morning, unable to decide what you’d prefer.

“It’s okay.” You say softly. "Why don’t you go to bed, your head is going to kill you in the morning.”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay then.”

You leave the bathroom with a firm grip on his arm to keep him steady, ignoring his insistence that he doesn’t need help. Making it into the bedroom, the others still seem to be laughing in the living area so it’s easy to help Matty into bed. With a head full of feelings to sort it out, you decide that maybe going to sleep now would be beneficial for you too or at least staring upwards in the dark for a bit.

“You better have that curtain pulled back, Healy.” You say as you start to pull your top off, your back turned to him as you start to change into your nightclothes. However, your speech seems to have had the opposite of the wanted effect as you hear the curtain covering the bunk bed move across its rail.

“Matty!” You scold, turning around as he pulls the curtain back to feign his innocence. You’re slightly surprised when George ambles in as you stand in the middle of the room facing Matty’s bed in only your bra and skirt, his name still hovering in the air.

“Hi, George.” You say quietly with a smile. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen you like this before since on the bus there was rarely any privacy and you’d been travelling for a few weeks now. There was just an unwanted feeling that he had walked in on something he shouldn’t have, which was stupid because nothing had even been happening.

“Hi.” He says, his gaze peering over to Matty’s bed. “I’ll let you get changed, I’ll be back in a bit.” With a grin, he walked back to the others.

Sighing, you hurry into your bedclothes before jumping into your bed. You pull the curtain back and try not to think about what he could be telling the others. There wasn’t even anything to tell and you knew it but you couldn’t get the idea out of your head. You could only guess that your conversation with Matty had made you anxious.

You clearly could still feel attraction for him which wasn’t really surprising when you thought about it. You hadn’t broken up because you didn’t love each other anymore but more for a different kind of reason. You’d known about his bad habits even before the band had and you’d really cared for him so much you were prepared to do anything in the hope he would give them up. 

Feeling sleep tug at you, you wondered where you would have ended up if you had stayed together and the type of person you might be as you slipped away slowly into slumber.


	6. Chapter 6

The night had been rough just like all the others had on the bus. Sleeping with six other people in the same room on a moving bus really wasn’t your ideal sleeping environment. You enjoyed the moment of ignorance as your alarm on your watch woke you up silently before memories of last night hit you like a tidal wave.

Biting your lip, you quietly slipped out behind your bed curtain and tiptoed over to the bathroom with a towel. Showering first gave you the benefit of having guaranteed hot water and lots of time to think. You really wished you could vent to someone but there was certainly no one on the bus you could confide in and your friends were all in an inconvenient time zone. You guessed having a pretend conversation with yourself in your head as you washed would have to do.

Clearly, Matty was still into you, or at least he was up for sleeping with you. You decide easily that just sleeping with him isn’t worth the risk of losing your job. You liked to think that you had matured enough to only go for serious relationships now, although you hadn’t really had one of those for a while.

Even if he was up for a relationship, how would Jamie take it? You had made the mistake of telling him on your first day that you didn’t think you could work with Matty and although it had been for different reasons at the time, you yourself had introduced that a relationship between you two could disturb your work. 

You groaned. That was stupid of you.

Was there even a work policy for this? You didn’t exactly fit into the normal protocol of an office romance, especially since you worked with his boss. The thought of Jamie jumping to the conclusion that this had been your aim this whole time, to become a gold digger now that Matty had more money than he knew what to do with made you cringe. You’d become fast friends with your colleagues and the band and it was something you really didn’t want to lose.

Was a relationship with him worth the risk though?

 _Why am I even considering this?_ You thought, scrubbing at your lathered skin. All it had taken was one proposition, one drunk question and he had almost had you again. Closing your eyes, you could almost feel his forehead resting on yours again, the connection between you reawakening.

_I can’t do this._

Shaking all thoughts of Matty from your head (at least non-work related ones), you stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around you. Walking back into the bedroom you announced the shower was free and ambled towards your tiny section of the wardrobe.

Pulling a more comfortable work outfit out, you start to change next to your bed, this time making sure not to face Matty’s curtain or even steal a glance (which you’re tempted to, but you don’t really know why). The room is nearly empty and with everyone at least 20% less awake than you, you’re thankful that conversation isn’t exactly necessary.

Doing your hair in the simplest way you can, you leave the bedroom and go through the living room to the kitchen passing Ross and George as you follow the smell of bacon.

 

“Oh Adam, I can always depend on you for good food.” You say, drifting in and placing two more rashers from the packet into the pan before moving to the bread.

“You know it.” He says, smiling from the compliment. “What are we doing today?”

Bringing your phone up to its calendar whilst you waited for your toast, you answered him. “Matty’s off doing a laid back interview for Pitchfork at two so the rest of you can work on Notes before the gig, I guess.” 

“Okay then, sounds good.” He replies.

“Yeah sure.” You say, trying not to look forward to it too much. “Can’t drink as much though since you lot are performing tomorrow too, not that Matty will listen to me.” You say offhandedly, buttering your bread.

“Oh, I don’t know.” Adam replies, flipping your bacon. “I think if there’s anyone he’ll listen to it’s only you or George.”

You smile. “That’s a nice thought Hann but somehow, I doubt you just a little teensy bit.” You tease. Using a spatula, you manage to get your bacon out of the frying pan and onto the bread, your stomach rumbling at the sight. 

“Morning, bitches.” Matty grumbles as he treads tiredly into the kitchen, his hair still wet from the shower. He takes one look at your bacon sandwich before snatching it up without a word, his mouth taking a bite before you can even gasp.

You turn to give Adam a Look. He simply shrugs in reply, guarding his own bacon by backing away into the living room gripping his plate extremely tightly. 

 

You hate how aware you become that you’ve been left alone together again. The reminder of last night enters as soon as he puts your sandwich down and you’re sure he remembers every last second of it when he pushes your plate back towards you, his eyes not meeting yours.

“Thanks.” You mumble awkwardly before clearing your throat. “You’ve got that Pitchfork interview today so… I’ll see you later.”

You turn to follow Hann, trying to squeeze past Matty in the cramped kitchen but he stops you with a hand on your wrist. 

“Y/N,” He tries but in the tight space, you both seem to realise that you’re just a bit too close. You can smell the heavily scented shampoo he must have used on his hair and hear his breathing that’s more shallow than usual. The pair of you step back to create a more respectable distance between you, although you can still feel the tension in air.

“About last night…” He attempts again but you can see he’s struggling on what to say exactly.

“Matty, it’s fine.” You say, trying to make him more comfortable. “I mean, you were drunk, and I was a bit as well. Old stuff came out that you probably didn’t mean and that’s fine. I’m okay. You’re okay. Everything’s fine!” 

You weren’t sure why you had given him such a good escape road or sounded so awkward about it. Sentence after sentence had just fallen out of your mouth with nothing stopping you. It’s as if you were desperate for your past couple hours of wondering to be overthinking.

“Um.” He seems highly unsure of whether or not to take what you had given him. For a minute you wondered if he had come in here with the complete other end of the stick and you cringed at the memory of your hesitation.

“Yeah!” He eventually decides, his posture shifting to laid back as he leaned back against the wall. “I’m uh…happy you get it you know, I was plastered. Did we even fix your shirt or…”

_Or were we really that distracted we forgot what we were supposed to be doing?_

You’re both laughing like everything’s normal again, the usual banter resuming. “Nope, chucked it in the bin this morning. No point putting it in the laundry, knowing my luck it’ll turn everyone’s clothes pink somehow.”

“I really don’t think that’s how laundry works or whatever but you know, it was my fault. I’ll buy you a new one, just send me a link for where you got it.” He sees your rejecting look at him as soon as he makes the offer.

“Matty, I can pay for a new one myself-“

“I know, I know but I still feel bad, okay? It was like a proper posh looking one.” He says, and you walk past him with a scoff and a shake of your head whilst trying not to grin.

Definitely not smiling, you squeeze into the seat next to Adam in the crowded living area. 

“He’s trying to buy me a new shirt now.” You say, finally tucking into your sandwich.

"Okay so now all you have to do is find the most expensive white shirt on the internet and make him buy that instead.” You chuckle at the idea, but you know you’d never have the heart to actually do it.

A few minutes later, Matty appears in the living room with his own bacon sandwich and you try not to look at him as you watch in sulk in your peripherals that there’s no space near you, Adam chatting away with you still. He lands himself down next to George with a huff and you give in with a glance at him, wishing he would do up his shirt. He seems to sense you watching him and as your gaze moves upwards, he gives you a wink.

You roll your eyes with a smile, one thought going through your head.

_I’m so fucked._


End file.
